Handling grief after losing both parents

 

Mum & Dad infront of her Play school -- ABC Academy

What goes through my mind as I grieve the loss of my Mum? Well for me Mum had lost her cognitive faculties almost 4 years before her death. I think that buffered us all from the wrenching pain of regular, sudden death of a parent. Infact by the end we were silently praying for her to go. Especially my sons, who had loved their Mummy lover and enjoyed the best years of their lives with her and Dad.

I remember so clearly walking into the apartment she was living in, lorded over by servants, to hear a doctor deciding that she needed more meds and much more food intake. When I spoke to the person trying to logically make her understand that Mum just needs hospice care and to be made comfortable, the arrogant woman flared up probably tutored by siblings, and I left abruptly unable to speak to her. Mum was a living skeleton, fed by a pipe through her stomach. It was torture for me her eldest, to see her in so much pain, with bed sores and not in command of her faculties, that we were used to. 

Mum was always well dressed -- a Bombay girl with a great sense of style

I remember walking into her room, after hearing the doctorspeak -- holding her head firmly and saying, “ Mum, just go! Don’t let them hurt you any more. Just go to Dad.” The next morning with a shock I digested the news that she had well and truly ‘gone’. I like to think she heard me and I pulled the rug, no silken carpet, out from under all those lording it over her and her finances.The tears came, I cried inexplicably for a long time after her passing, because I chose to remember all the good times we had with her. Not her sickness and ill health. Like I said, as the eldest I guess I had seen the best times with my parents.

BUT, when faced with the finality of death, there are a million things that change and take on new meanings and shapes. There are a million words that suddenly don't seem so nice anymore. The finality of death does not bring comfort like you think it will. But I was so glad that there was no drama for her funeral. It was a quiet and close affair, over in a few hours.

When I say the words “I lost my mom" now, out loud to my friends, they don't seem right, because a lost sock can be found again. This isn't just a missing sock. This is a huge hole in my soul, which will never, ever go away. Shock, numbness, denial, anger, sadness, and despair are the feelings most people cycle through after the loss of a loved one. These emotions can persist in varying degrees for many months afterward. Most people experience these feelings in stages that occur in no particular order, but diminish in intensity over time.

 The Bombay girl, in her engagement dress of parachute silk. I remember trying it on and I looked like a sack!

 No matter how long it takes, many people around you may get impatient for you to feel better sooner than you do. Yet some people continue experiencing intense emotions for years after the loss and that sustained grief can have cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual effects.

Losing a parent means you realise the enormity of the loss, when you go to the apartment where she was and it’s completely empty of her things. No carpet, no furniture, no hospital bed and it  makes your eyes start to burn and the tears begin to roll. The apartment is eerily empty and she is never coming back again.

Grief is wanting to go for a run to create endorphins to stop the screaming of the fact that you are executor of the will and you have to deal with siblings waiting to grab it all, even while she was alive. How could they? How could they take what was hers and give it away to all and sundry pretending it was theirs? Her money, her hard earned money, I watched my Mum work hard as a teacher, sweat it out every single day -- plus added to her savings was money that her generous siblings gave her, not grabbed FROM her.

How hard she worked as a teacher to get us free seats in the best schools in the country. A salary that Dad saved, both frugal in their needs, but giving us the best education.

The shock and shame does not leave one. It happens in all families I am told. I don’t want to hear that, I thought we were different, we were brought up with ethics, to know what is right from wrong, not to steal, but to work for whatever we desired. I want to scream --DO NOT COVET thy parents goods, but as the lawyer says, greed is a disease and you need to expose the persons, siblings or not.

I know time will help. This isn't my first loss, but it is the hardest, as now both parents have gone. So here are a few things that happen when your parent dies. You cry a lot, and at random times. Life seems like you're permanently wearing sunglasses, never the same brightness it was before. I don't know how to explain this to someone who hasn't lost a parent. Just trust me, nothing will have the same brightness ever again. 

The stages of recovery after the death of a loved one typically involve allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss, which gradually gives way to accepting the reality of it and finding a way to move forward. The healing process also involves finding it possible, in time, to enjoy other relationships.

Before she met with a horrible accident with a bus,which left her crippled.

I kept a few of her clothes, most that my sister and I had given her and wearing them helps me feel she’s around. I kept a few pieces of furniture, and paid for them. I realised, having them felt like having old and valued friends that I had grown up with and seeing them everyday makes me feel less bereft.

Self-care is also important after a loss. You will be better able to process your grief if you don’t hide from your feelings, thoughts, and memories. Take good care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, and taking time to grieve and rest. Be patient with yourself and with your grieving loved ones. Grieving is a personal process and even though it’s not your first time, take it slow -- be gentle with yourself.

Marianne de Nazareth

Saving the Puttenahalli lake, Bangalore

 

Sewage inflow into lake in 2018.

I had returned to India after successfully completing my second Master’s in Europe. And, it was during my European study stint, that I won a trip to the United Nations in New York, to attend a conference on Climate Change. Our Mundus class was asked to write a story on the environment and very strangely, my story won the trip.

 

So there I was listening to the then head of the UN in NY -- Mr Ban ki-Moon speak about the changing climate and the importance of the media using their pens, to educate the world. It was a eureka moment for me and was converted listening to him and Al Gore tell the world that we need to change our habits or were headed for disaster.

 

So when I returned to Bangalore and began writing for the Hindu after leaving the Deccan Herald, I decided to focus my writing on the environment only. I looked around me and picked up story ideas from my city which needed to be written about and soon, I had various organizations write to me and tip me off as well.

 

BBMP getting the silt trap cleaned

One such group was the PNLIT  : A group committed to breathing life into the Puttenahalli lake. The lake when I was first contacted, was surreptitiously being filled up with debris and being swallowed up by land sharks, inch by inch. An Arathi Manay contacted me along with her group and asked if I would write about the lake. They were a group if residents who lived around the lake who wanted to revive it.

 White breasted water hen eggs

 I was working on a freelance basis with The Hindu and I knew that saving the lakes of Bangalore was the ONLY way the city could save our water table and be a great means of RWH ( Rain Water Harvesting). Slowly over time, not only was the lake revived by the group, BUT,  I wrote about the first spectacular Purple Heron that had visited the lake after decades.

  
https://www.indiawaterportal.org/news/lake-revived-purple-heron-visits-restored-puttenahalli-lake-bangalore-article-hindu

Click and read about the Purple Heron!

 

And then again I wrote about the beautiful Garganey ducks which had come from Europe to winter in the lake. The birders of the city were ecstatic and the PNLIT group were absolutely thrilled.

 

https://www.thehindu.com/features/metroplus/ducking-it/article2674839.ece

Click and read about the Garganey Ducks

 

 

So today on Independence Day, the group sent me pictures of how the lake is improving with their constant checking over the last 10 years. Usha Rajagopalan, their President keeps me informed as she says I helped start the project with my articles. 

 

I quote from her letter-- 

 

“On this occasion, we are happy to tell you that the lake has become free too - from sewage! Since the 29th of July, sewage has not been entering the lake! Exactly a year ago, in early August 2019, BWSSB had unloaded pipes to replace the existing drain. However, they were impeded by resistance from the encroachers, COVID lockdown and the monsoon setting in. Nevertheless, both BBMP (Lakes) and we, have  been constantly urging BWSSB to keep working and, on 28th July, their contractor worked for a straight 24 hours or so to complete the pipeline. He, in fact, telephoned us at 5.30 a.m. to say that the sewage inflow had stopped. 

 Silt trap dry at last 2020

We take this opportunity to thank BWSSB and BBMP for saving our lake from sure death by pollution! Our heartfelt thanks to all of you, our dear well-wishers, for standing by us in those difficult times which began in March 2018. 

Sunbird chick in nest. Nature is back!

 

BBMP has begun their work of bringing the lake back to life. To do this, they need to clean the lake bed, repair the bund and do a number of related work. We hope their progress will be fast and smooth. 

 

On another note - Ever since the COVID, footfall at the lake has reduced. This, perhaps, has encouraged birds to build nests within reach. We've asked our gardeners to ensure that no visitor to the lake disturbs these eggs or the fledglings. “

 

These are the kind of happily ever after stories I like!

Stocks & Shares can be volatile

Bangalore Stock Exchange Building

 I have come home from the Stock Holding Corporation of India-- in a bit of a daze. All the way home I thought of the enormity of what I had learned. My husband and I laughed happily and felt sad too that Mum who had left us the shares-- had passed on. 

When she first passed on in May I was extremely dejected, because her shares, given to her by her family and bought along with Dad as well, had dropped dramatically in value. They had been worth 60 lakhs a month before she died and with COVID 19 had crashed by TEN Lakhs. I have always enjoyed investing in the stock market. Something my husband and Doc son are whizzes in buying and selling, and --I was disappointed. 

Even more disappointed as my wonderful brother, who is joint executor with me, had made a nasty comment ( as always) to my wait and watch remark to the family. He said he had spoken to Mum’s wealth manager who told him, the shares would take TWO years to recover. So I began the procedure of liquidizing the shares-- THAT is what takes time folks. Remember that -- NOT the volatility of the share market.

So I filled up the dozens of forms, made dozens of photos which had to be affixed. Lucky my husband is the calm and cool kind and he was handling the paper work. My parents had been helped for years by him and so they knew they could trust him and me. Thank God! I was left as the nominee which my father had done.

Not visible the plastic sheet across the counters

So here we were parking the car and going up to the 4th floor, thickly masked to be safe. Temperatures taken and sanitizer smoothed on, we walked in to be greeted by a lady who by now knows my husband. Poor guy had to do a lot of running up and down to get the paperwork organised. Mum's own sons would never have helped like he does and all for free. Their charges -- let's not discuss that!!

In the front of the ladies tables a huge thick sheet of plastic had been fixed, with a tiny slit through which the papers were slid. “ Make a completely separate account for this work,” advised my wealth manager, “ especially since you have such nasty siblings. All your personal shares should not get mixed up with your parents.” Fantastic advice, but it delayed me by a month till a brand new account had to be made.

So, here we were, climbing the steps to the 4th floor in order for me to sign all the documentation. Hardly anyone in the office and that’s the amazing part of the pandemic. Banks and offices are almost always deserted.

A smiling Yuvraj brought me all the documents and I was signing for about 10 minutes. Then my husband said, we need a printout of today’s values of the shares. “Sure!” said Yuvraj and marched off to get it for us. “ Thanks a lot! How many days will this take to kick in?” asked my husband. “ Two or three days at most,” said a smiling Yuvraj and we left down the four flights of steps.  

Peering at the values my husband laughed and I asked --” What?”

“ Mum must be laughing at your brother's nasty comment,” he said. “ The shares have jumped up by 15 lakhs!!”  Silently I thanked God that Dad had kept me as the nominee, because they were safe.

The Mumbai Stock Exchange Building

Getting into the car and looking for 20 bucks to pay for parking, the parable in the bible which was often quoted to us as kids by Dad came to mind. I could not stop smiling at how God is always on the side of the right.

The "Parable of the Talents", Matthew 25:14–30 tells of a master who was leaving his house to travel, and, before leaving, entrusted his property to his servants. According to the abilities of each man, one servant received five talents, the second had received two, and the third received only one.

The property entrusted to the three servants was worth 8 talents, where a talent was a significant amount of money. Upon returning home, after a long absence, the master asks his three servants for an account of the talents he entrusted to them. The first and the second servants explain that they each put their talents to work, and have doubled the value of the property with which they were entrusted; each servant was rewarded:

His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servants. The third servant, however, had merely hidden his talent, burying it in the ground, and was punished by his master:

Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. — Matthew 25:24–30

I don't have to explain what the parable means to me in this case. My mother has died and we are expected to share the estate left behind in the care of us -- the servants. But I do know that the ‘unprofitable’ and greedy servants --  will be punished in time and when God sees fit. 

And I love the sentence -- there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth!

Book Bound my book club, goes virtual and online

The Invite for our first WEBEX Book Bound event

 I never thought I’d live to see the day when my book club --Book Bound, went virtual and online. Too many months offline due to COVID 19 and the members kept wondering, why we could not go virtual? 

After conducting the Masters PG Dissertation exams online, for St. Joe’s & getting ready for JNC, MCC & Krupanidhi college sessions, I realised it was pretty simple. All those unknown fears vanished.So much easier  not to bother about timing oneself, to walk to college. No bother of keeping my clothes out the night before and my bag to snatch, as I left the house at 8:30am, to reach on time for the first class.

Instead I just kept my eye on the various clocks across the house and  when it was time I clicked myself into the meeting. They could be on Skype or Google Meet or like the latest set up for me by a senior CISCO employee, on Webex. Authors are very grateful for my help in getting their books off the ground and once they are guests on my book club, they stay firm friends, ready to help and support me.

Many whose cameras were not working could not be seen!

 I had no one to do it for me, for my first book. No platform to launch myself instead I had to pay for everything. From the hall in the club to the parking in the church and the snacks, we paid for it all.That’s when the penny dropped and I decided to start a book club called iBrowse in the CC with a win-win formula for both sides.   

 Soon, the members liked the format which I planned, to help authors get noticed.We start the evening with the star of the evening -- the author who introduces her book to us all. None of us have ever read it, except for me, and so are eager to know more. And it evolves -- I play the evening along by ear and it always falls on its feet.

So our first meet last month in July, went online with Google Meet. It was really a sort of dry run where I had not even got myself prepped about a book that I had read. ( I read all the time and was reading a pile from Harper Collins)  However we are all readers in the club and in minutes we had all shared about books that we had read and enjoyed through the month. One member talked about Ranbir Kapoors book after his death and how terribly full of gossip it was! That's why people buy it - we had to remind her!

Again only those whose cameras were working were seen

I ALWAYS, like a true academic, read the author's book to the last page and dissect and bisect it to plan my questions for the evening. It’s amazing how each person resonates with the author on a different level. For me this time we had Anmol Malik a young 26 year old who had just returned from doing a degree in Creative Writing in the UK. She is based in Mumbai -- the famous Anu Malik’s( Bollywood musician’s)  daughter.Her entire book resonated with me, because like her I had spent a year in a British college and in a British University hostel. It was like doing my year all over again through her eyes. I loved it. 

Anmol is actually a screenplay writer for movies and a lyricist for songs, so one of us asked her to sing and she DID -- one of her songs on YOUTUBE which has millions of hits. Just like that! A Trained LTCL ( Trinity College, London, like me)  on the piano, she just plays and sings like Lady Gaga!

I love my book club and because it’s virtual we have THREE members based in London now! Truly makes me so very happy that the club I started in the Catholic Club prospers on and I have my own smaller and much more interactive and intellectual club, which I prefer. All thanks to my parents and my maternal grandparents, who gave me the gift of reading.