What goes through my mind as I grieve the loss of my Mum? Well for me Mum had lost her cognitive faculties almost 4 years before her death. I think that buffered us all from the wrenching pain of regular, sudden death of a parent. Infact by the end we were silently praying for her to go. Especially my sons, who had loved their Mummy lover and enjoyed the best years of their lives with her and Dad.
I remember so clearly walking into the apartment she was living in, lorded over by servants, to hear a doctor deciding that she needed more meds and much more food intake. When I spoke to the person trying to logically make her understand that Mum just needs hospice care and to be made comfortable, the arrogant woman flared up probably tutored by siblings, and I left abruptly unable to speak to her. Mum was a living skeleton, fed by a pipe through her stomach. It was torture for me her eldest, to see her in so much pain, with bed sores and not in command of her faculties, that we were used to.
I remember walking into her room, after hearing the doctorspeak -- holding her head firmly and saying, “ Mum, just go! Don’t let them hurt you any more. Just go to Dad.” The next morning with a shock I digested the news that she had well and truly ‘gone’. I like to think she heard me and I pulled the rug, no silken carpet, out from under all those lording it over her and her finances.The tears came, I cried inexplicably for a long time after her passing, because I chose to remember all the good times we had with her. Not her sickness and ill health. Like I said, as the eldest I guess I had seen the best times with my parents.
BUT, when faced with the finality of death, there are a million things that change and take on new meanings and shapes. There are a million words that suddenly don't seem so nice anymore. The finality of death does not bring comfort like you think it will. But I was so glad that there was no drama for her funeral. It was a quiet and close affair, over in a few hours.
When I say the words “I lost my mom" now, out loud to my friends, they don't seem right, because a lost sock can be found again. This isn't just a missing sock. This is a huge hole in my soul, which will never, ever go away. Shock, numbness, denial, anger, sadness, and despair are the feelings most people cycle through after the loss of a loved one. These emotions can persist in varying degrees for many months afterward. Most people experience these feelings in stages that occur in no particular order, but diminish in intensity over time.
The Bombay girl, in her engagement dress of parachute silk. I remember trying it on and I looked like a sack!
No matter how long it takes, many people around you may get impatient for you to feel better sooner than you do. Yet some people continue experiencing intense emotions for years after the loss and that sustained grief can have cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual effects.
Losing a parent means you realise the enormity of the loss, when you go to the apartment where she was and it’s completely empty of her things. No carpet, no furniture, no hospital bed and it makes your eyes start to burn and the tears begin to roll. The apartment is eerily empty and she is never coming back again.
Grief is wanting to go for a run to create endorphins to stop the screaming of the fact that you are executor of the will and you have to deal with siblings waiting to grab it all, even while she was alive. How could they? How could they take what was hers and give it away to all and sundry pretending it was theirs? Her money, her hard earned money, I watched my Mum work hard as a teacher, sweat it out every single day -- plus added to her savings was money that her generous siblings gave her, not grabbed FROM her.
How hard she worked as a teacher to get us free seats in the best schools in the country. A salary that Dad saved, both frugal in their needs, but giving us the best education.
The shock and shame does not leave one. It happens in all families I am told. I don’t want to hear that, I thought we were different, we were brought up with ethics, to know what is right from wrong, not to steal, but to work for whatever we desired. I want to scream --DO NOT COVET thy parents goods, but as the lawyer says, greed is a disease and you need to expose the persons, siblings or not.
I know time will help. This isn't my first loss, but it is the hardest, as now both parents have gone. So here are a few things that happen when your parent dies. You cry a lot, and at random times. Life seems like you're permanently wearing sunglasses, never the same brightness it was before. I don't know how to explain this to someone who hasn't lost a parent. Just trust me, nothing will have the same brightness ever again.
The stages of recovery after the death of a loved one typically involve allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss, which gradually gives way to accepting the reality of it and finding a way to move forward. The healing process also involves finding it possible, in time, to enjoy other relationships.
Before she met with a horrible accident with a bus,which left her crippled.
I kept a few of her clothes, most that my sister and I had given her and wearing them helps me feel she’s around. I kept a few pieces of furniture, and paid for them. I realised, having them felt like having old and valued friends that I had grown up with and seeing them everyday makes me feel less bereft.
Self-care is also important after a loss. You will be better able to process your grief if you don’t hide from your feelings, thoughts, and memories. Take good care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, and taking time to grieve and rest. Be patient with yourself and with your grieving loved ones. Grieving is a personal process and even though it’s not your first time, take it slow -- be gentle with yourself.
Marianne de Nazareth
